Posts Tagged ‘house’
Wednesday, March 24th, 2010
Sometimes, blogging is about getting things off your chest. I might even say this blog is my therapist. (Note: this word can also be read as the rapist). So, in summary, sometimes blogging provides you with therapy, and sometimes it rapes you.
Remember how I used to live in a shed? Remember? Well, after we moved out of the shed, we rented it to a little man. The man agreed to give me $90 a week in exchange for sitting in the shed and smoking cigarettes or whatever he does in there. This agreement worked quite well for a few years, until the little man stopped giving me $90 a week.
So now I have a headache, and a little man that owes me money, in fact, quite a bit of money. If he doesn’t pay me by Monday we’re going to serve him an eviction notice. Ouch!
Stupid non rent-paying tenant! Why must you torment me?!!!!1
Tags: house, money
Posted in General | 1 Comment »
Tuesday, April 15th, 2008
Breaking news:
This is a picture of me, riding carefully on my new ride-on mower. I ride it up and down and all around, all day long. Sometimes I wear a big hat, sturdy leather shoes, and a jumpsuit made completely of denim. I look very good in my jumpsuit made of denim.
I use it to cut the grass so that my new dog won’t get bitten by an Eastern Brown Snake which has recently been spotted on my property. The snake was in fact spotted indoors, and was spotted attacking the spotter in his shed while he comfortably watched Neighbours on television. This proves once and for all that the Eastern Brown Snake does not like people who watch Neighbours.
Tags: house, meaningless possessions
Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments »
Wednesday, March 26th, 2008
How’s your March going?
That’s enough about you, let’s talk about me. When we returned to Australia, we bought a Land Rover, which by all accounts seemed to be a reliable car. Unfortunately the Land Rover turned out to be evil, and we had to destroy it. Several nasty mechanical things went wrong with the car in the following month, which meant we were about $4,000 out of pocket. Ouch. Instead of gritting our teeth and hoping for the best, we decided to act quickly and trade the car for something more reliable. Now we have a much more expensive Toyota Corolla which I think suits us much better.
Also part of our homecoming plan was a puppy. Personally I’m not a huge dog person, but I like dogs. Sometimes they lick your face, and you are allowed to beat them when nobody is watching. Trish is extremely excited, and really, really REALLY wants a dog, so I’m happy to oblige. Our little Golden Retriever doggy will be ready to collect in about three weeks from now. I WILL PUT IT IN A BASKET AND CUDDLE IT EVERY DAY.
The question of a dog also leads to big questions about our crazy overgrown block. We have a particularly nasty weed on our block called Silverleaf Desmodium, which is also known as Shitweed. According to popular legend, the vine was developed in hell by Satan himself. The weed has a tendency to stick to anything that moves, and when it goes to seed, the results are even worse. Small green seeds attach themselves to everything, which is possibly the most irritating thing in the world. The only cure for Shitweed is to shave all your hair off and cover yourself in baby oil. It doesn’t take too much to imagine what will happen once we have a Golden Retriever loose on the block.
So as you can imagine, I’ve spent many a grand weekend so far poisoning the shitty Shitweed and slashing the shitty grass. It’s itchy, itchy work my friends. A big hairy man came in a big bobcat a couple of days ago and cleaned up half my block, which was very helpful. Unfortunately he also managed to completely destroy my frangipani and mango trees, which made me sad. Luckily my sapling lemon and lime trees survived.
Speaking of gardening, let’s talk about gardening. Guess what my latest obsession is? It’s GARDENING. I’ve started a super amazing vege patch. It’s got little pumpkins, passionfruit, tomatoes, and carrots, all of which I assume will be delicious. I also have herbs - mint, coriander, parsley and basil. That’s right, I enjoy gardening. One day I will show you pictures, but only when you have earned my trust.
Tags: dog, garden, house
Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »
Tuesday, February 12th, 2008
Freaking freakazoids. I’m still over a month behind with this blogging thing. Why won’t my life slow down? Here’s some January action comin’ atcha in stereo.
January 4th - After one whole year of backpacking and separation from everything familiar, we arrive back in Australia. We feel different, and excited about being home. The first thing we notice are the strange broad nasal accents over the airport loudspeaker.
“Paassngers on floight twoo-six-one ploise procoieed to gaate thiiiry-twoooo.”
Alarmed, we look at each other and say, “By jove, darling, what kind of primitive backwater is this place? They sound rather like dying cows.” After the initial shock of getting accustomed to the Aussie drawl, we also notice that everybody is dressed as though they’ve just come from the beach. A distant memory stirs in my mind as I recognise my old uniform - shorts and thongs.
My parents collect us from the airport and it’s great to see them. As I step outside, my skin starts to soak up the beautiful humid air I grew up in, and it feels good. Very good. The weather is tropical and my parents tell me it’s been raining for several weeks. Sure enough, it’s raining, but it’s warm. Home, sweet home.
That night, we drink beer, have a barbecue, show off our photos and enjoy some long overdue family time. I discover that now I’m back in Australia, I start to taaaalk a looot slooower.
5th - One of our top priorities when we got home was to buy a car.
After several email exchanges, we had arranged to buy my sister’s Land Rover from Sydney and drive it back up. True to form, we didn’t waste any time and flew down to Sydney to pick it up. Road trip time!
Once there, we enjoy some more family time with my sister, brother-in-law and their two young kids in Sydney. We’re pampered nicely, and we get to know our niece and nephew again.
But all was not peaches and cream, my friends! That night, I had the most awful dream. I believed there were two burglars in the house wearing animal masks. I could see one of them moving slowly in my room, and I see one moving about in the kids’ room. I wake up, and in the pitch black darkness I watch the figure creep to the corner and then stop. By this time, I am wide awake, frozen, sweating, with tears rolling down my face. I honestly believe there is someone in the house, and I decide to stay completely still until they leave. I fear that if I move, I will put the childrens’ lives at risk, not to mention our own. After several minutes of this petrified torture, I decide to fumble around quickly for the lamp switch, only to discover there is nobody in the room. I get up and check on the kids, and everything is normal. Spooky.
6th - More family time - we catch up with my Aunt and Uncle and a few cousins in Sydney. For the first time in over a year, I go for a swim. It feels good, and the back of my paper-white neck gets burned. I feel like an English tourist.
7th - Time for the road trip. We take our spanking new car and say our goodbyes, having enjoyed the trip but relishing a bit of time on our own. The car is solid, comfortable, and drives easily. An excellent car for a road trip. We take in some of the beautiful Australian scenery and have a good old yarn. Trish’s brother is renting a new (unoccupied) house in Port MacQuarie, so that’s our first port of call.
It’s an easy drive, and after arriving in the afternoon we have enough time to warm up the credit card and do a bit of shopping. After being denied certain luxuries and having to trim down on all our possessions for the previous year, we badly want stuff. Lots of stuff. We need new phones so we get the Nokia 6070 - nice and simple. I need a razor, so I get a good quality electric one. I also stop into Dick Smith’s and buy an FM transmitter for the iPod so we can listen to tunes on the road. After a good Aussie pub meal we go back to the house to play with our new toys.
8th - Today’s a big driving day and we go all the way past the Gold Coast to Trish’s brother’s house. More family moments, this time with a different set of niece and nephew. We drink beers and catch up.
9th - Big Wednesday. The day we move back into our house. We polish off the rest of the kilometres and arrive back at our magnificent Queenslander on 1 acre at the Sunshine Coast. We’re fretting about the tenant and really, really, really hoping they cleaned the house properly.
Unfortunately our fears are realised when we open up the house and discover that the place is nowhere near a rental tenancy standard clean.
We’ve had lots of experience renting places before, and we know how strict the agents are - unfortunately we’re the agent so it’s our problem. We also want to move into our house immediately and get on with our lives, but unfortunately the house will need to be cleaned beforehand. After some interesting phone discussions, the tenant agrees to pay for a cleaner and we get one to start immediately. Even so, Trish and I are destined to spend the next three days and several subsequent weekends cleaning in our spare time. Pooh pooh!
Tags: family, house, meaningless possessions
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
Thursday, July 12th, 2007
What with all this crazy travelling, we’ve decided to advertise our room for rent.
Lo and behold, I check my email box and I have an application from a Mr. David Jones.
I dooon’t sink so. Me no want tentacle face live here.
P.S. I can has cheezburger now?
Tags: house
Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »
Friday, May 4th, 2007
I feel a deep satisfaction in the seat of my pants. It might be the Indian curry we ate for Trish’s birthday, or it could be the fact that we have a brand new house at New Cross which is much nicer, cheaper, and a bit more convenient location-wise. Our new housemates are cool and it’s a great environment. We also have wireless internets! Right now I am sitting on the toilet - there are no boundaries imposed on my creative process now.
Tomorrow is my last day of work at UNNAMED PRESTIGIOUS LONDON COLLEGE. I have to leave work early to go for a job interview doing web editing or something for a council in East London. The job may involve quite a bit of writing for their website which might be cool. On the other hand the pay isn’t as good which is not very cool. But it’s not very far from my house which is cool. But then again it’s out in Zone 3 which means I need to pay more for tube tickets. Not cool.
Tags: house, work
Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments »
Sunday, April 29th, 2007
We’re moving out this weekend into a new place. Yeah! We’re moving over to New Cross to a place which is cheaper, nicer, and has less SCREAMING BANSHEES LIVING UPSTAIRS. We live with someone who continually stomps around the house swearing and complaining about dirty dishes. It is awesome! When she stubs her toe or sees a bug, we really get an earful. I love it because am a huge fan of ear-piercing noises!
Our new place is a share-house with a Brazilian and Spanish flavoured couple. So far, they sound delicious and I would like to eat all of them. We haven’t met the Spanish couple but there is a good chance they are sexy nudists.
In other news, we have our good travelling friend Savindi staying with us at the moment. Right now she is watching the cricket and crying because Sri Lanka are so totally going to lose the World Cup. To AUSTRALIA.
To celebrate our happiness last night we went out on the town and drank some alcohol and ate Chinese food with Trish’s ex-work mates. We also met up with Joel very briefly while he was in London town. I also very nearly made it over to the Jack Horner pub to consummate my love with Curly while he was in London but ended up in a gay bar instead. Somebody bought me a beer while I tried to avert my eyes from the disconcertingly large portraits of male buttocks on the wall.
Tags: house
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Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006
I got a little excited when reading John’s post about the northern lights in Lappland. These are the kinds of adventures I’m looking forward to while travelling. I’ve been a boring, worker bee, mortgage-payer for too long. I need to get my soul back, el bitchinos! It’s actually quite feasible that we might visit the northern lights if we get around to visit Joel’s place in Estonia. Estonia sounds like an interesting place, although a little foreboding.
We decided to rent our house out through an agency. Rent it like a little WHORE. The rent will not cover our mortgage repayments, but we’ve decided to change our mortgage to interest only which brings the repayments down pretty close. I can smell the freedom! Freedom smells good!
I read some interesting random articles on Wikipedia today. Because some butt-pirate was using MY TABLE during my lunch break. The nerve! One article was about Blackbeard the Pirate. Another was about nuclear fusion. Then there was the Led Zeppelin one. Ah, the memories. Now I am clued up on all manner of shit. Now I shall become a pirate and build a ship powered by NUCLEAR FUSION! I will attack helpless yachts to the driving beats of Communication Breakdown. They will not stop me!
I decided to write a long post because the quality of my writing seems to have declined since I stopped reading books. Instead of quality literature I am just punctuating all my sentences with mild profanities, like bitchinos, whore, and shit. Cheap laughs! And not cool! Let’s get back to our literary roots and start producing the literary gold for which I am totally ignored around the world.
Tags: house, super magical trip of joy
Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments »
Friday, November 17th, 2006
I’m worried about my house. What should I do?
Choose your own adventure #1 : Rent the house out to a bunch of share house people. Get a friend to keep an eye on the place and collect the rent while I’m overseas. Lots more money, lots more hassle.
Choose your own adventure #2 : Rent the house out through a real estate agent. Pay commission through the nose and also get less rent. Much less money, much less hassle.
The financial difference is significant. I would probably be at least fifty bucks a week better off renting out each room individually. But of course there are no contracts, bonds, and the possibility of having empty rooms sometimes.
P.S. Does anybody remember the Choose your own Adventure books? They were frickin’ awesome. Yeah, I was a book nerd as a kid.
Tags: books, house
Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »
Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
I’m working. Late at night. Seriously, I have no life. No wait, scratch that, I have no wife. Well I have a wife but she’s away in Maryborough. Working. Which is why I am also working. Late at night. At work.
I was serious about that web design business thing. I even received my official ABN business number thingy in the post the other day. I feverishly opened it with trembling hands. Then I watched Neighbours for about five seconds, and decided to do some more work.
I’m thinking of calling my web design business Blackbird Designs. Thinking up a business name is just as hard as thinking up a band name, except it could make you look like much more of an IDIOT.
I am also seriously digging poo pipe at the moment. I wasn’t kidding about that. I am leading a very balanced work life, between digging poo trenches and designing websites. I am developing a very large brain as well as giant rippling muscles. Or possibly just Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, a screwed back, and weak eyes.
More news: we have another housemate! She is a black midget. She has Tourette’s syndrome, and is also an expert knife thrower. Except not really. But she is pretty cool. Her name is Moopa-doopa-polloppa-drop. She used to live in the sewer and collect cockroaches in a jar. Nope, I’m lying again. I can’t help myself. I only lie with my typing fingers, not in real life. Please forgive me.
My iPod came with 4500 songs already on it. 4,400 of them are pure shit, 95 are general shit, and 5 are good. Note to self: KILL JON BON JOVI.
Tags: designing the internets, house, meaningless possessions
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Hello, I'm Afe.
