Archive for 2005
Wednesday, December 21st, 2005
Hey, it’s been like ages since I popped my head into the blogosphere. That’s because I’ve been busy wrapping presents for you all. Just so you know, I got everybody these cool Steve Irwin dolls for Christmas. When you stick your finger up its arse it says “Crikey!”.
The other cool thing about Christmas is that I GET PRESENTS, TOO. But that’s not the important thing. The important thing is whether or not the presents are good. And considering that I am easily entertained by shiny objects, things are looking up. In fact, sometimes I prefer playing with the wrapping paper or making a cubby house out of the box. I’m pretty easily pleased.
Here’s my letter to Santa:
Dear Santa,
Your butt smells and you look stupid. Can I have a million dollars for Christmas?
P.S. Howcome you wear that stupid red suit when it’s like thirty degrees outside? Are you retarded?
Regards,
Afe.
Tags: meaningless possessions
Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments »
Thursday, December 15th, 2005
These are all flogged from Wikipedia’s page on George W. Bush quotes;
“Wow! Brazil is big.”, after being shown a map of Brazil.
“We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job.”
“I’m also mindful that man should never try to put words in God’s mouth. I mean, we should never ascribe natural disasters or anything else, to God. We are in no way, shape, or form should a human being play God.”
“I think war is a dangerous place.”
“I believe we are called to do the hard work to make our communities and quality of life a better place.”
“I refuse to be sucked into your hypnotheoretical arguments.”
“I want to thank my friend, Sen. Bill Frist, for joining us today. … He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. (Laughter.) Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.”
“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”
“The best way to find these terrorists who hide in holes is to get people coming forth to describe the location of the hole, is to give clues and data.”
“America stands for liberty, for the pursuit of happiness, and for the unalienalienable right of life.”
“I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.”
“The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the — the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice.”
“I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what’s moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably read the news themselves.”
“I’m so pleased to be able to say hello to Bill Scranton. He’s one of the great Pennsylvania political families.”
“I’ve coined new words, like, misunderstanding and Hispanically.”
“If the terriers and bariffs (barriers and tariffs) are torn down, this economy will grow.”
“If you’re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.”
“They misunderestimated me.”
“It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.”
“I understand small business growth. I was one.”
Tags: shit that is funny
Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments »
Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
Hello, person sitting in chair looking at a computer screen. Yes, I can see you too. Yes, you’re right, I am also psychic. I knew that’s what you were thinking.
Hey, guess what? I wrote this music review thingy and somebody liked it so much they published it on their website! Being published on a website is like being published on actual paper, but much less important. Although it’s much more environmentally friendly, because you don’t need to cut down trees to make the paper.
But on the other hand, computer screens probably release radiation into the atmosphere which destroys trees. Radiation which is probably seeping through your eyeballs right this very second and turning your brain into something akin to a thorougly burned steak. Mmm, boot-strappy delicious.
It’s OK, radiation may give you special powers, like Superman, the Thing, or George W. Bush. All these people have brains like dried out steaks, so you will not be alone.
Tags: Music
Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments »
Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
This is what happens when you order a Bacardi Breezer in a pub in outback Western Australia:
Tags: shit that is funny
Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments »
Monday, December 12th, 2005
Here’s something weird:
George Martin, producer for the Beatles, sometimes referred to as “the fifth Beatle” for his crucial contribution in arranging their music.
George Best, dead soccer player, sometimes referred to as “the fifth Beatle” for his “long hair and good looks”.
Pete Best, original drummer for the Beatles.
Freaky.
Tags: shit that is weird
Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »
Friday, December 9th, 2005
Just when I thought my life was difficult, I receive an email from a friend of mine in the Solomon Islands. Here is an excerpt:
“One negative aspect of living on Malaita is the acid spitting ants that rule the island!!! Yes, they are my worst enemy and have provided the islanders (and my family) with many laughs (at my expense). My body has not had so many burning and extremely itchy red welts on it as this time during my 1 week visit!!”
Bloody hell. We have it good, wifey, we have it good. Plus, we don’t have any islanders laughing at us. See? Things aren’t so bad.
Tags: shit that is weird
Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments »
Thursday, December 8th, 2005
I am one of those people who shakes their leg constantly. Yeah, I am that guy that goes “Oh, that’s my leg”, when somebody notices the car is shaking, or the table is shaking, or there is a strange tap-tap-tap sound that is annoying the crap out of them.
You might say that I have a lot of nervous energy. But you would be wrong. Because I am an extremely laid-back guy. So I’m not really sure where the incessant leg shaking comes from, but I have a suspicion it’s the reason I am a pretty skinny fellow. I could probably eat twice as much as I do now, and just do a bit of extra leg jittering to burn off the calories.
In fact, I’m thinking of writing a new diet and exercise book based on my theory. Step 1 - eat as much as you like. Step 2 - jitter your legs for three or four hours a day. The great thing is, you can exercise during work, in the car, while watching telly, during dinner, and even at the movies. Holy crap, I am going to make millions! I’d better get to work.
Tags: afe history 101
Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments »
Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
It’s 28 degrees celsius and 70% humidity outside. Man, it’s like a friggin’ sauna out there. And it’s only going to get hotter. Much hotter. Thank God I work in air conditioning.
I can’t say I enjoy this kind of weather, but I must admit that Christmas in Australia wouldn’t feel like Christmas unless we were dripping with sweat, eating a hot roast chicken at my parents’ house until our stomachs nearly burst. Then of course comes the afternoon nap in front of the fan, clutching our new Christmas presents.
Tags: family
Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments »
Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
On Saturday night I went to a local bar to watch lead singer from Augie March, Glenn Richards perform solo. If you are not aware, I am completely obsessed with this magnificent Australian band, and you can hear me rant about them here and here. Both of their albums are in my all time favourites and I think they are the bee’s testicles.
Glenn Richards is songwriter and main creative force behind the band. His songs, and in particular his lyrics, are complex, beautiful, and read like poetry. The band are based in Melbourne so a local show was a big deal for me.
Needless to say, I pretty much wet myself from the time he walked in the room until he finished playing. Being a small bar, it was a very intimate performance, and I kind of felt like it was a private show. This was one of the highlights of the year for me, so I thought I’d better document it here.
Being the support act, he only played about five or six songs - (one of which was played at our wedding three years ago) - however I was completely blown away nonetheless. Afterwards I probably should have gone spoken to him but I was too scared. Part of me regrets it, but part of me still wonders what the hell you are supposed to say when you have a million things to say.
Tags: Music
Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »
Saturday, December 3rd, 2005
I just had a ladybug stuck in my shoe. That’s good luck, right? Last night I spent three dollars on the poker machines and regretted it, because I won nothing and could have bought a beer instead. Delicious, golden, cold and wonderful beer. I also ate a big steak last night, which went very nicely with the beer. I had a different type of beer every time I went to the bar, because I was feeling adventurous. The first one tasted like crap, so I complained to the bar lady, who gave me a frosty stare and poured me another one, which also tasted like crap. I decided that it probably not worth complaining any more and shuffled away to eat my steak. Which was really nice, and went well with the beer. Not the first beer, but the next beer, which was much better. Then I rode on some escalators and went home.
Tags: beer
Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments »
Hello, I'm Afe.
